Emptiness

I spent most of yesterday in thr shell shocked confusion that you can only comprehend if you have seen a friend take their last breath.  I spent it with my friend MooSe, by his side as they removed the life support from her yesterday afternoon after he fulfilled her wishes.

I spent the evening and night sitting my own form of shiva with Thea’s family sitting around a fire in the back yard smoking marijuana and reveling in each others presence and communing in our shared emotions.

Then this morning as we awoke from our slumber, we all slowly assembled and greeted each other.  We comforted each other and communed over coffee, macaroons and marijuana.

Then a trip to Denny’s where the food was exactly what you’d expect and service that was subpar even for a Denny’s. This was more then made up for in the fellowship and the camaraderie and that is as good as chicken soup or a joint for the soul.  Rest in peace Thea.

Candy…..

So one of the things I always had from my party days was what they refer to as candy.  I wasn’t a “Candy Kid,” I just had a bracelet or two of brightly colored bead jewelry.

This bracelet came to Kethry and she gave it to me and it was too tight but now with my weightloss it fits more comfortably.  She was excited when she saw me wearing it.

She is just simply scrumptious, truly scrumptious and when I look at her I can truly understand that ear worm Sweet Child Of Mine…..  I picked her up and was holding her in my arms and because of my weight training and physical fitness regiment over the last 6 months, she was light.  She lamented that soon she would be too big for this but that it was ok for now.  My heart was like that first chocolate bunny clutched in your child’s death grip, where the solid milk chocolate is quickly losing its solidity and becoming a fluid. Yes, my heart melted as she said this and smiled at me, looking through her lashes.  She knows how to work it, how to wrap daddy around her finger.

So last night, I went over to MooSe’s and hung out with him for a bit.  Three of us played dominoes, which I had not done in 30 years.  It was awesome fun and reminded me of some of those long days in the group home playing.

Growing Old Is Not Growing Up

One of the amazingly cool things about Lincoln, California is the Del Webb Retirement Community called Sun City and Sun City Lincoln Hills.  All of these retired people bring not only their wealth and knowledge but their spirit of adventure as well.  They may have grown old but they didn’t grow up. 🙂

Zachary Larson

One of the reasons I chose California was that it was because it was 2862 miles from Baltimore because it provided a buffer from the manipulations of my mother but at the same time that distance has been a burden as well.  Especially when tragedy strikes, like when my mother died in 2011 and I had to fly back for her funeral and wake.  Luckily I was in a position then to afford to do this but not now and I can acutely feel the distance and how it has effected my relationship with my family, especially my nephew Zach.  Oh, Bean, why?  Bean, that was a nickname his mother, Danielle, my middle sister, gave to her son after he was born.  Everyone called him that as a baby and even as a teenager, I still called him that when I went back for the funeral.

Not long ago, Zach came out and told everyone that he was gay.  It was not really a surprise to anyone and it did not change anything, really.  Except the bullying, I am sure.  Which caused Zach to have a bunch of other issues as it usually does.

A couple of weeks ago, on a Monday night, Zach decided that an end to the bullying was all he wanted, all he needed and used his belt to hang himself in his bedroom where his mother found him.  Too late.  And I am trying to process the tragedy and the emotional tidal wave that has resulted from his decision which I feel was selfish and wrong.  I fully embrace my anger at him for making that decision while I feel the vacancy that the knowledge of his exit from this world leaves and like the hole left when a tooth was pulled as a kid, I cannot help but stick my tongue in it.  A friend of mine said once, that the worst part about getting older are the number of celebrities, people, friends and family that we mourn because they are no longer a part of this world.

I haven’t really blogged since the end of the summer semester, and I was photo blogging almost daily and I stopped when I decided to make changes in my life regarding friendship.  I have MooSe to thank for that, because through his actions he has shown me that I am not wrong in expecting my friends to tow the line in the friendship.  This added to the fact that my youngest sister promised me a digital SLR which never materialized and I cannot really bitch because I only expressed a desire for one and she offered me her old one.  I had really, really wanted to do more photo blogging and when the camera did not arrive, I just did not start when school started.

Part of this was probably the malaise and sadness I have felt about the health issues Moose’s wife has been dealing with.  He’s become my best friend and she is my friend too this raises the level of empathy to the point where it is acute.  When MooSe leaves after the Body Fitness class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Algebra and Anthropology class remind me acutely of where he is and why he is not there.  This sort of saps my enjoyment and desire to be there as well but I am committed to the classes.  I just need to hunker down and devote more time and effort to doing the homework and studying.  So far, I have an A in the Anthropology Class and a B in the Algebra class.  I think I have a B in the ASL class too, although I want to bring both the ASL and Algebra grades up to an A.

So, this blog did not turn out the way I thought it was going to, since I was writing what came to my head without a real outline or a plan.  I just felt the need to write something to assuage Mykl who keeps encouraging me to blog more.  Blog more.  Blog More.

Then while I was lamenting my lack of funds for tasty munchables from Starbucks, Chester Cheetah came walking in and I realized my munchies were causing me to hallucinate.  Right?  That’s my story, and I am sticking to it.