Tag Archive: family


Dear Dad Diary

Hey Dad.  It’s a Tuesday afternoon and I just got out of class and I am unwinding before I do homework. Yeah, Dad, me, in college and get this, I have really good grades.  Even in PE classes.  No shit. I have dreamed about reuniting with you at some point and while the locations change the atmosphere is always the same.

See Dad, I have reached a point in my life where I have few regrets, few things that truly cause me any grief.  I am and always have been able to be totally honest with myself about everything.  After I left home the second time Dad, it was all me and it was hard and it was tough and painful and fun and exciting and I made it.  Thanks to you.  You see Dad, you taught me well.  You inspired me to never fuck up in a way that I had to apologize to you through glass.  I didn’t want to let you down.

I have two kids Dad, a daughter named Kethry and a son named Haplo.  Haplo is so much like me Dad, and I imagined him at various ages interacting with you like Josh or Susan or Zach.  I am not writing this to guilt you, rather to let you know that we miss you and that if you want it, there is always a place in our lives for you.

See, Zach and I had become friends right before he died, starting when I came back for my mom’s funeral.  I understand why you didn’t come even though every cell in my body wanted it.  Dad, Zach loved and missed you to the end.  My biggest regret with my mother is allowing her to somehow make you feel like you had to choose.

Jessica and I have always been close and talked, she called Michelle who called me to tell me about Mom.  I stayed with her while I was in Maryland.  I talked to her a lot over the last 15 years.  She and I have discussed you and she loves and missed you too.  Jessica has three children, two boys and a girl.  I met the two boys when I was in Maryland, the adorable girl was just born.

Danielle has a son who was born shortly before Zach died.  Zach is a family tragedy Dad and has put as big a gap in my heart as big as when Sonny died.  I really and truly wanted to be sitting outside in the garage listening to 98 Rock, smoking and drinking beer with you every night for months after that.  I wanted you to tell me about Zach.  I wanted you to just be, well, you Dad.

You taught me things Dad, that I didn’t realize I had learned and found myself doing them and questioning why I was that I realized where I learned it.  I have had many of my friends tell me I am a good friend and I learned that from you.  I learned how to be a good man, by watching you.  I took your advice and never screwed up, because I never wanted to let you down.

When I first met you, I really didn’t know what to think of you.  Then my mom pulled that shit and sent me away again and for most of my life, I thought you had something to do with it. It’s like not only finding out Darth Vader is your father but he also cuts off your hand.  Then, we were talking right before I left Baltimore and you told me how she told you.  See, Dad, I realize now, mom manipulated and controlled all of us to an extent.  She used each of us to manipulate the others and control then too.

Jessica and I were talking one time and she told me that she hated you.  When I asked why she said because she was afraid of you and when I pressed said it was because you were an alcoholic.  She said she had to spend her tweens in her room hiding.  Through the conversation, and questions I helped her realize Mom made her afraid.  See, I realized this when I left home that night after our last talk, Dad.

See, mom used to do it all the time when I lived at home.  Passive aggressive war on terror like fear mongering.  You were on your way home and I should go to my room so as to avoid you because I know how you are…. I know how you are?  Yes.  Sometimes a little bullish and awkward but never threatening.  Overbearing but never making me afraid.  But at the time her feigned anxiety and manifested concerns created a panicked flight response.  We went to our rooms.

I learned from you by your actions and those actions often taught by self-inflicted shame.  One time you came home drunk, Mom was in the hospital.  The police dropped you off, she was on the phone and did her magic.  I didn’t answer the door.  A few months later we were at mom-mom’s house and Uncle June came home drunk and stumbling.  I watched how lovingly, respectfully and gently you took care of him and I was shamed.

When I realized later how she had manipulated our relationship, I had this dream of visiting before you two separated and drinking a beer or better yet, smoking a joint and telling you all of this.  See Dad, if you hadn’t of been who you were, when you were the it wouldn’t have rubbed off on me.  I wouldn’t be the man I am today.  I love you and really and truly want to you to know that.  Life is short.  Hopefully Aunt Sandy shares this with you.

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Kethry cut her hair in the beginning of October and donated it to a charity that will accept shorter lengths then locks for love.  I would like to think that it had something to do with her knowledge of MooSe’s wife’s battle with cancer that began in September and ended abruptly two weeks ago.

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She is truly daddy’s girl and I realize thay she gets the attention deficit disorder from me.  She wrote me a letter as I was packing up to leave after our visit Sunday.

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She melted her daddy’s heart and I damn near started crying.  My eyes started to water….

Zachary Larson

One of the reasons I chose California was that it was because it was 2862 miles from Baltimore because it provided a buffer from the manipulations of my mother but at the same time that distance has been a burden as well.  Especially when tragedy strikes, like when my mother died in 2011 and I had to fly back for her funeral and wake.  Luckily I was in a position then to afford to do this but not now and I can acutely feel the distance and how it has effected my relationship with my family, especially my nephew Zach.  Oh, Bean, why?  Bean, that was a nickname his mother, Danielle, my middle sister, gave to her son after he was born.  Everyone called him that as a baby and even as a teenager, I still called him that when I went back for the funeral.

Zach Larson Facebook

Not long ago, Zach came out and told everyone that he was gay.  It was not really a surprise to anyone and it did not change anything, really.  Except the bullying, I am sure.  Which caused Zach to have a bunch of other issues as it usually does.

A couple of weeks ago, on a Monday night, Zach decided that an end to the bullying was all he wanted, all he needed and used his belt to hang himself in his bedroom where his mother found him.  Too late.  And I am trying to process the tragedy and the emotional tidal wave that has resulted from his decision which I feel was selfish and wrong.  I fully embrace my anger at him for making that decision while I feel the vacancy that the knowledge of his exit from this world leaves and like the hole left when a tooth was pulled as a kid, I cannot help but stick my tongue in it.  A friend of mine said once, that the worst part about getting older are the number of celebrities, people, friends and family that we mourn because they are no longer a part of this world.

I haven’t really blogged since the end of the summer semester, and I was photo blogging almost daily and I stopped when I decided to make changes in my life regarding friendship.  I have MooSe to thank for that, because through his actions he has shown me that I am not wrong in expecting my friends to tow the line in the friendship.  This added to the fact that my youngest sister promised me a digital SLR which never materialized and I cannot really bitch because I only expressed a desire for one and she offered me her old one.  I had really, really wanted to do more photo blogging and when the camera did not arrive, I just did not start when school started.

Part of this was probably the malaise and sadness I have felt about the health issues Moose’s wife has been dealing with.  He’s become my best friend and she is my friend too this raises the level of empathy to the point where it is acute.  When MooSe leaves after the Body Fitness class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Algebra and Anthropology class remind me acutely of where he is and why he is not there.  This sort of saps my enjoyment and desire to be there as well but I am committed to the classes.  I just need to hunker down and devote more time and effort to doing the homework and studying.  So far, I have an A in the Anthropology Class and a B in the Algebra class.  I think I have a B in the ASL class too, although I want to bring both the ASL and Algebra grades up to an A.

So, this blog did not turn out the way I thought it was going to, since I was writing what came to my head without a real outline or a plan.  I just felt the need to write something to assuage Mykl who keeps encouraging me to blog more.  Blog more.  Blog More.

Then while I was lamenting my lack of funds for tasty munchables from Starbucks, Chester Cheetah came walking in and I realized my munchies were causing me to hallucinate.  Right?  That’s my story, and I am sticking to it.

My father died when I was 14, just as we were really beginning to form a relationship and not long after my mother was introduced to a guy named Bill.  When I first met him, I was standoffish at first and only gave my blessing for him to marry my mother to keep from being the only hold out.  It wasn’t until I returned home after having been gone for a few years as an adult that I realized how much he had effected my life and how much of who I am I comes from observing him.  You see, he took me aside one dayright before my parents got married and told me a secret that he had only previously shared with my mother and his family.  I was in an elite club, none of my siblings knew nor do I think they know to this day.  Remembering that as Bill embraced me and told me how good it was to see me that triggered that memory.  Hearing his voice catch in his throat as he told me he loved me made me realize that he was my Dad.   I wrongly assumed at that moment that I would have unfettered access to him for the rest of my life.   In my head I invisioned drinking a beer with him and talking about my kids but that wasn’t in the cards.  My parents divorced in 2000 and my Dad ceased all communications shortly after.

I lost touch with my Paternal family at 14 and my mother and grand mother stopped talking to my uncle at about the same time.  So my Dad’s family became our family and they were always looking for a reason to get together and celebrate.  Everything I think abd believe about holidays comes from what the McMorrow clan taught me by showing me.  I have since reconnected with my Dad’s sister Sandy and it is my hope that she might read this and somehow figure out how to read what is below to my Dad, on father’s day because I never got to tell him myself and I am not sure he really knows…  Without further ado…

Dear Dad,

Tomorrow is Father[s day and I turned 42 this year and I realized that it has been more then a decade since I last talked to you.  I realize that I was not the best son that a father could have Dad, and for that I apologize but I also want you to realize that I know I am a better person because of you.  You see Dad, you taught me so much with how you treated people, especially family and that was instilled deep in who I am.  You earned my respect Dad and because of that, I spent most of my life making sure I would never be in a situation where I would let you down,  You might say that I learned from your mistakes, the ones you shared with me Dad.  I never wanted to be on the otherside of a barrier looking at you while apologizing only to see disappointment in the eyes of my parents.

Dad, I understand why you told me to never contact you again, and I haven’t.   You see Dad, I just want to let you know how I turned out because of you.  I so want to tell you about my life, my family and to share them with you.

Haplo, my son, just turned 8 and he is amazing.  He reads on a 9th to 10th grade level.  He is very in to robots, knights, warriors and battle.  We introduced him early to Role Playing Games on the computer because they require reading and cognitive thought to play and he has mastered games that are well outside of his age group.  He is amazingly observant when it comes to flora and fauna.  He can and often spots insects and animals before everyone else does.

My daughter Kethry shares the same birthday with me.  I got her for my birthday 5 years ago and it has been an amazing adventure ever since.  She likes to think of herself as a fairy princess yet at the Ren Faire she asked for a sword instead of Fairy Wings.  She is very much a Daddy’s Girl. 

I dreamed of meeting you in a bar somewhere and sitting down with you to have a beer and pulling out my phone and showing you all of the pictures of theirs that I have on it.  Telling you the stories behind the pictures, teaching you about each one of them and then making plans for you to meet them and your family.  It’s a dream because I live about 3000 miles away and right now cannot imagine being able to afford tickets.  Even if I could, I am terrified of being on a plane with two kids for 7 hours.

I guess I really just lung for the ability to call you up out of the blue when my son does something that exasperates me and say “Hey Dad, you’ll never guess what your grandson did this time….” and we can banter about it,  I can ask you how you are doing and we can just discuss whatever happens to come up.  You see Dad, I am 42 and while I do not know everything, I do how important you were and are to me.

I turned 43 this year Dad.  It’s been 12 years since I talked to you last and the world was a different place and I was still finding myself.  I know you may think that I didn’t really need you as I became a man, but the reality is I was a man the day I left home.  The man you made of me and you did such a good job Dad.  You prepared me for that period of my life, for surviving on my own.

Now, I am a father and I’ve come to the place where you where when you started to raise me.  This is the time where I once again need you Dad, but now I need you in a different way.  You see, I am a Dad now and I need to talk to you about being a Dad.  I need pointers, advice and I need my Dad.  Look, you raised a sharp kid and I understand all those things I didn’t back then.  I have always wondered how you dealt with Mom and I never doubted how much you sheltered me from the full impact of my mother.  She’s passed on Dad, not that it should matter in our relationship.

I need to tell you this Dad, I need you to understand who I am because I need to thank you.  You may not have been my father but you were my Dad.  You are what I think of when someone talks about there Dad.  I learned through you how I should act, what kind of man I should become Dad.  You were my hero and I never wanted to let you down so I made sure I never got myself in trouble.  I avoided doing something stupid and getting arrested because I never wanted to have to tell you I was sorry through a glass window.

Now that I am older Dad, and I have a son who is just like I was Dad.  Now I need your wisdom and knowledge again because I need you listen to me Dad.  This is the stage in our lives when I am supposed to come and visit and we are supposed to share a beer and we are supposed to laugh about how stupid I was as a kid.  Then when I tell you about Haplo, my son, you will remind me how I was like that too.  I miss and desire your counsel Dad.

Hopefully one day somehow this entry will get read to you like a letter and you will see me out and we will get to talk on the phone.  You have 3 other kids and 5 grand kids with a 6th one on the way and I think they would all really love to hear from you again Dad.