So it has been more then two years since the last time we saw each other and we didn’t part on the best of terms but deep down, I never thought that our not speaking would last this long.  In the last 23 years, when you were on vacation was the longest stretch of time and that was only because I was living halfway across the continent in St. Louis.  So much has happened in the interval, so many times that I wished that I could talk to you about it.  I mean over those years you and I have shared so much and you have been such an integral part of my life.

Cassidy died a few years ago and Jerre isn’t doing so well and I was sure she was going to go last weekend.  She could have gone already for all I know.  I have friends but none that I will ever be as close to as I am you.  We have stood by each other through the good, the bad and the ugly in the past and this time things got all fucked up and emotions and hurt feelings led to anger and suddenly I hear Yoda….

Kethry asked about you on her birthday when we went to incredible John’s Pizza and for the rest of the night, my mind was trying to find a plan, a way to get to run in to you so we could talk.  I figured once time had passed we would be able to work things out.  I had such hope and excitement when I saw your truck parked in the driveway, because it created the opportunity only to have it dissipate as I missed you by like a half an hour.

See, I can’t help myself, I see something funny, read something interesting or watch something on tv and it reminds me of a conversation that we had in the past and suddenly I want to talk to you.  Then, as the reality of how lonely I feel without my best friend and I wonder if you feel the same way, if or how often you wish we were still that close and still best friends.  See, regardless of what transpired that night, I know that I have always been a good friend to you and my presence there was continuing that task.

When your truck appeared Rachel said you were moving somewhere in Nevada and when your truck disappeared, I assume you came and have now left California?  I would love to hear from you sometime.  My number is the same and while I know your number hasn’t changed, I texted you once and never got a response, when you returned my stuff.  I guess the lack of any reply or any kind of response should tell me all that I need to know, it definitely speaks volumes that you left your truck at Rachel’s and didn’t contact me at all.

I can’t and won’t change who I am, so I will continue to have random moments when I wish I could talk to you, I realize that’s love and that the silence is your choice and not mine.  Maybe one day while we are both living, something will bring us together.  Until then, I will just avoid the full moon 🌙 which always awakens the lunacy.

Advertisements